Kindest Regards

Dear friend,

As you well know, these are fraught economic times, particularly for cash-strapped graduate students like myself. This was why I took to the Internet five weeks ago in an attempt to sell my beloved Xbox 360 and five excellent games (including Maddens 2010-2012) for a mere $150. I placed my advertisement on the Pittsburgh Craigslist  and hoped for the best, but what you sent me exceeded even my fondest hopes.

When I posted my ad, I did so under the assumption that I would go as low as $120 for the set. In fact, I fully intended to throw in my two wireless controllers  to sweeten the deal. What I did not expect, however, was something for nothing; to wit, five premium “cock pics” delivered directly to my Gmail, along with a polite request for my phone number and address.

That you were willing to share such an intimate part of yourself, without the least worry about whether this action would be reciprocated, served to renew my faith in mankind. I tend to get sort of blue around the holidays, what with being an only child from a divorced family and all, and it’s little gestures like yours that remind me that not everybody is a selfish, navel-gazing jerk.

On top of that, you couched your entreaty in such reassuring language that, had I been “d2f” (here I’m employing one of your acronyms), I would’ve gladly seized upon this opportunity. At the very least, you have a way with words. I was astonished by how the thoughtful, discursive prelude to your request—in which you noted repeatedly that you were “totally str8-acting,” a “real jock,” and “all man”—not only challenged my preconceived notions about human sexuality but made me reconsider the gender binary altogether.

Yet I’m afraid there’s no way I can honor your request. Certainly your apartment—or at least the part of it that was discernible to the sides of your computer chair in the grainy, dimly-lit webcam photos you took—looks inviting enough. But I’m in a committed relationship, and all I can offer in response are my sincerest thanks and best wishes on your journey down the haphazard highway that leads to unconditional love. Oh, and while I’m thinking about it: Try the listing that was two spaces above mine, the one for the 46” LCD 720p television. It’s still there, and I have a good feeling about it.

Kindest regards,

Oscar Berkman